A new year...

Happy New Year

To bring the new year in alone. To bring the new year in at home. I sit and think of years past, years spent waiting for a new year. The year for change. A year for a new beginning. Here it is, Happy New Year! I find myself at 31 years of age, wondering what becomes of me. Who am I? A woman. A black woman. An intelligent, black woman. A very blessed, very intelligent, black woman. And here it is, the new year, happy new year. Here alone in my house, a house that was lent to me by the big guy. I didn’t do this all alone. However, here in the interim, I am allowed to call it my own, my home! I bring the 2003 year in with many changes. Some I have warranted and accepted, others that are progressing before my eyes. Happy New Year. Do I stand up at midnight and yell this aloud to myself. It’s a new year with new beginnings. Or do I wish for times past and escape the newness of this year. I could be out right now. I had a few friends call and see what I was up to. If I would be going out and getting “drunk” or getting in the streets. I chose to remain here in my home, alone. To be with myself is something uncanny of me. The television tempts my “club-soul”. But I am okay being here with me. Relaxing. Enjoying my environment.

Happy New Year Latoya!

I love you

Me

blah

tired.

Rain on my sunshine

Shit just stirrin around me and I'm tryin to see through the rain. Got a glimpse of sunshine. Got it while experiencin some of that pain. Had a chump pass my path never throught I would see him again. Fool rained on my sunshine. Fool rained on my sunshine. I motioned towards him as he past... Thought I would share a word or two. My stained jersey muffled my mouth and the smell of defeat washed over me again. Fool rained on my sunshine. He doesn't deserve an introduction to my new world, new life, new beginning, without him in it. Fool rained on my sunshine and my ability to become invisible in his eyes is 60+ pounds of yesterday....

Woke up in the mornin and had a convo that turned into tears. Found rain on my sunshine and overwhelming amount of fear. Pushed in the corner dodging the lash, and blocking the debris as it falls in my direction. Convo rained on my sunshine and in that moment all I wanted was protection. shit gets stirred and moved and pushed and tossed in all sorts of direction. Convo rained on my sunshine and in that moment all I wanted was protection. I just don't understand my efforts as they fall short of perfection... My expectations rain on my sunshine, they eventually become self-inflicted weapons. My insides scream and skin tightens with the intensity of each dreaded thought. My past, present and future dance around me creating a dizzy cloud and I'm exhausted in this moment. Man... shit gets hard, gets crazy... spins me out and all I can think about it... I don't wanna ever ache the way I've ached. I don't ever want to drown the way I've drowned. I have forged a wonderful path of self-recovery, self-discovery, and working on improving my life to make me a better person. I am trying... and thats all I have to give. I don't want it to rain on my sunshine. I don't. I'm trying to leave my umbrella at home.

To Catch a Predator

Feet moving slowly through the thick jungle like terrain... The prey... resting, motionless. Each step gauging the surrounding noise(s), the squeaking beds, distant coughs. One turn, one entry and its cover is blown. But carefully the predator creeps upon its prey and slips past the gatekeeprs.... the protectors of this massive land. A lioness never leaves her cubs behind. She'll go so far as carrying them in her mouth. Leading them to protection, because she knows that others want them. Others will stop at nothing to kill her offspring. However, sometimes a baby cub may wonder off and this is when danger surrounds them like the night falling upon our naked earth. Or... a mother may go out to hunt for her cubs. But she often seeks refuge for their protection before leaving. If not, then the predators will find them deliciously accessible as they'll slaughter each cub one by one... leaving behind a recent past of ... of what the mother should haves done. protect. To catch a predator, his last steps force him out of being easily detected by others. The silhouette, shaped like my mother, my father, my protector. I go. Leaving the protective den, not knowing that my slaughter, my death, the killing of me.... only moments away.

Callin all my soldiers...

Got C-Murder tapped into my ear and feelin every line of his lyrics... ha,ha... Soldiers stir'n, line'n up gettin ready to ride for a muhfugga... that shyts deep. Bring'n out big muscles and samurais... those masc'y (masculine) chracteristics that swarm inside. Makes me wanna step to a few fools, press my nose in they faces and just spit shit at 'em... rack they brains with some real, real shit... muhfuggas walkin around like zombies... not worried about how they affect the world... people close to them... not evein carin. Others ridin wit a purpose and keepin they peeps on the front line. Second place fools.. comin in first cause they supportin others. Second place fools missin out cause they supportin others... I need to be down for very few niccas... gatherin up my energy - exertion takes its toll... muhfuggas want you to ride for them, but won't do the same. This shit is whack!! Thats why I like to stay quiet. Observe these fools... keep my eyes wandering and my feet moving. Don't wanna raise my shoulders to high, cause sumpin may come from behind... nawwww, gotta be ready. Tired of havin to explain myself or folks assumin that I will because of who I am. Mmph... "Fuck them other niccas"... C-Murder said it best... ha,ha I'm a keep tipsy on my own thoughts. Shits just stirred up like a strong ass drank. Gulp! I'm out.

Lots of people got shit to say...

Lots of people got shit to say, but they aint said it to me
I laugh at the fools who marvel in their own made of tales of "who I am" and "what I stand for". What the fuck? Who da fuck is you? and How can you stand worryin about my biz? Kick rocks!

Lots of people got shit to say, but don't nobody wanna do the work. Very few will sacrifice for whats right... whats real. Niccas worried about their own "worth", "well-being", "stock", "their own shit"... and the funny thing is... most times it aint worth shit. Selfish muhfuggas... Sad, sad, sad... I hope they seek therapy.

Lots of people got shit to say, but they afraid to stand in front of that mirror long enough to have it speak directly to they own ass. Yep, don't move hoe. Stand there... take a good look atcha-self. I'm sure you don't like what you see... Most times we don't. So... to all of my lovely-dovely admirers... (I can't call em Haters, because people keeps tabs on ya ass when they admire you, right?) So, to all of my lovely-dovely admirers (family included)... worry about yo own damn self and spend some time working on Y-O-U!

stepin away from yesterday

I ... I sometimes look behind me to see just how far I have come. One blink and its yesterday. Lookin ahead aint so easy. I haven't travel down this path before. The unfamiliar steps are... are making me think about blinking again... I'll lose it when I close my eyes. Stay awake. Turn back. Turn around. With all of my might I fight the urges to repeat those foolish mistakes or... or remain stuck in a state of paralysis. My feet cemented to the ground and ... and the ground slowly crumbling beneath me. The foundation... not meant to hold the weight it bears... not meant for a permanent resting place... "keep it pushin" I keep tellin myself. My heart races and I am bombarded with confusion. It's... It's time to turn back again... look at yesterday. I don't see nuthin. Not a damn thang... and I'm moving, slowly, hesitantly, but moving...

To outward

... Maybe I seem a little "over-protective"... I dunno, but I do display my "emotions" very outwardly. Gotta think about that shyt. No punk here.

disruption of the mind-kind

Fallin back on my heels, kickin my own ass...
Disruption of the mind is mine is mine is mine...
Beatin on my chest screamin "Glory"... one refrain (silence) after anutha
Walkin in my shoes that aint never been on my feet. somethin new.
My dome is active with thoughts of yesterdays tears and tomorrows joys.
I can sit in this body and visit a million places - always missing home.
I wanna get outta here. trapped.
some fucked up shit I tell ya.
If its not the thoughts of frustration from some pale muhfuckas, then its my family bullshit and responsibilities that bind me so.
I tell my girl "We beats this beast or else its gone beat us" kinda like whoopin the pussy, so you don't get whooped
Then I wonder sometimes about those tiny lil places. Who does she keep there?
Purging all that was once considered safe to me. Numbers, emails, Phone calls that blurred the lines of appropriate... Packed up my tent and kept it pushin... and I'm still goin. Crazy how fools still be camped out along the roadside... just stay focused, keep straight, ya destinations straight ahead.
Gotta bottle in my crib. I suppose its more significant to her than me. Mmph, it's late... I need to go to bed.

Can't wait to get through this day... one more, just one more.

TRUTH

THERE HAVE BEEN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU DO

2/23/2010

on hiatus... not meanin to be

Mannnnnn, my ass has been away from this mofo. Not by design, but.. but b'cause I wanted to marinate on some shyt. Ha,ha... Funny how you wanna hold to the pain, the past, the things, that cause great harm. But they have become so damn familiar that if/when you let them go... then what??? Mmmph, I'm almost back... lots to write about.... lots and lots... I'll see you soon.


Peace

This was written for her

Yo, I met you in this space, vibed you in this space, mentally subscribed to you in this space... and now I'm in a new place. No need to turn the hand held telly on, a.k.a. computer screen or mobile device... phone. Got u close 24+7 equal 31 days in a month and not a morning passin by without that soft kiss you place on my head... ha,ha... bed, yeah, bed... Yo, I met you in this space. Now we face to face. No mismatchin, no taboo... a fo sho thang is that I LOVE YOU... can't wait to whisper two more words.................. "I do" peace mama Natoya

Mamas Eyes

I didn't see her when I heard the news. It was a morning familiar to yesterday's pain. I... I parked my car and saw my teacher coming in my direction. I noticed his head bowed and a heavy sway to his walk. I exited my car and greeted him. He softly responded with "Did you hear the news"... "What news?" I asked. My body tensed up as I knew the message would not be one of comfort. His eyes swelled and he said, "D---- was killed last night. They shot him in the leg, ran after him, and then finished him off with shots to the back of his head". "What?", I gasped. My mind fled that moment... It went to my first encounter with "D"... Him entering my office and introducing himself. He was a scrawny lil guy... but tall. Cute. Braces. But what stood out for me was the tattoo on his forearm. It was the name of a male? I curiously asked how did he get a tattoo at such a young age. His response was that his mother let him get it, because it was the name of his younger brother who had died. Ohhhhhh, okay. I didn't quite understand the correlation, since he was only 14 years old. But I soon learned that tattoos represented something much more than a work of art. The symbolization emobied in getting tatted was mind blowin. Soon after I exhaled and found myself comforting the teacher that shared this news with me. It left me for a while. I, I was sad... real sad... not understanding why or how... remembering my last encounter with him and his mother. We had to visit his home (me and the Police Officer), because he was possibly involved in a robbery... It was more of a warning than anything, but I saw the path he was now traveling down and somewhere in my heart.... I knew that this path would end one day. What I wasn't prepared for... was it ending on a morning that I was entering my workplace. A community of young folk who began to grieve. It's surreal to have to exist in such a community. It truly amazes me how calloused you become in order to assist others through their grieving process. The funny thing is... is that this happened about a year ago... and... and... and I saw his mom the other night. All of a sudden I was stuck. My eyes fixated on her. I watched her every move. I was curious how she was dealing with her loss. What could I say? My heart grew sad again... it felt as if I was reliving the news... it felt like I had never truly grieved his loss... and to be honest with you, I don't think I have. Somewhere you begin to tuck all of these things away. Somehow you create caverns to hold these feelings... you have to. You have to be there for everyone else. You have to. And so I send my thoughts, love, prayer, and hope out to "D's" mother and his family. To the friends that loved him and the teachers who taught him. I send my love, thoughts, and prayers out to him. I wish we didn't have to lose him. I wish he saw a future for himself. It hurts each time I lose one of them. It hurt when I lost you.

R.I.P "D"


Ms. Williams