I survived rapes and murders

Lil "L" sat in my office today and confided.... just let it go... sharin things about day after day. Moms, deceased. Pop's, knockin on deaths door. How can this beautiful mahogany king be just sixteen and no more. 2007 is when he lost her. It was Cancer. An unwanted friend. He was hookin up the surround system that she gave him when his auntie called him once again. I saw his body relax in the chair and he became one with his memory as he shared that sorrowful moment. He said he stopped. Stopped connecting the wires, because he wanted to watch a movie in surround sound, but... but he doesn't even have a VCR, or a DVD player to watch a movie with. He was hoping. Hoping that he would soon acquire one of these items to ... to connect to mom's gift. But the call, a disruption. The system, put away. He just put it back in the box a few months ago. He let it stay there... in his room. Lost in the moment, lost in his moment of his mama, his friend, now gone.

I'm feelin you like that...

Mannnn, I aint been here in a while. I 'spose I'm tired of talkin about that me shyt and more interested in study-in that we shyt. We aint been together but a minute, but ummmmmm, I'm feelin you like that. Like that soft silky rain runnin down my face... carefully following the curvature of each lip... slippin in between and then out again. It's you. I taste you. I see you. I feel you. Your body touchin mine... If only words could be so exquisitely divine. Shyyyyyyt, I think of yo ass and crack up from time to time.... you know why? 'cause I'm feelin you like that... I'm tellin you, it's been a long ass time since I've felt so connected, so loved, so in awe of that very you. That marry you... when you marry me. When will that be... ha,ha I already done wed ya ass in my head. Sure feels like it when I put it down in bed. Mmmph, I aint gonna comment on ya skills. Might lose my status and folks stop seein me as Will. Ha,ha... only Toya then. A lil submissive? maybe. From time to time... anywho, let me get off me, 'cause this shyt's bout you. You know why? 'cause I'm feelin you like that....

upright bass

My Harlem knight... I wondered what it would be like to pluck your strings...

I dunno

I dunno what to call this... just some scattered thoughts about some shit. I wrote "Sometimes" before this post, but couldn't put my words together. Hell, I was mad and I'm still a lil pissed. Sometimes you just wanna knock somebody upside their head when they act the fuk up. Man o man if I could write how I feel.... Shit, I dunno what I'm sayin..... I'm out.

Sometimes

I thought I would... I would let it go. Just not think about it anymore. I woke up this morning. I woke up in a frenzy. I tried to rush out the door, but it was too late. I stood there. helpless. again. I stood there angry at what I felt I could not control. Inside me again, the anger swirls. She said it was rage. I think she is right. I am angry as I write this. The invisible chains that he is forcing on me. Even if it is in a "joking" way. Even if it is to get a reaction. It's not funny. I am angry.

Playin inside

I've been away for a minute. Away from this space. Away from disclosure. Holdin it all in. I've been playin inside. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the urge to confide, in, you, this space, but then I go hide... I just keep on playin inside. I don't want to be here for too long. I'm not yet ready to write whats swirlin inside, but I at least want to recognize ... that I've been... I've been... playin inside. my head. Gotta get it out soon. I'll be back.

she said write about the good times

So... let me recount something good. Should it be reflection of my most memorable times in the hood? I wish I could, maybe I just should... write about the good times. Times that seem to get lost in my dash to the past. I can... I can quickly revisit those spaces that I still have. The ones I somehow hold onto. Let's see, the good times... Ummmmmmm, hell - it's all a muhfuggin mystery. I don't know whats so good about the "good times". I mean... I'm grateful for a lotta shyt. But ummmmm, what may be seen as good are the times of transition.... Like, like when I was sleepin on the floor in my brothers kitchen. Yeah, I was like... ummmmm, like 10. Well, when we left that muhfugga, it was good! Or.... ummmmm, when we stopped sleepin from hotel to hotel. Yeah, we gotta a one-bedroom apt. Me, my lil bro, my moms and my pops... crammed in that muhfugga... Hell, when my ass went off to college and finally had my own room (shared wit a roomie)... I no longer had to sleep on the living room floor. Hmmmmm, that was a good time. Mannnnnnnn..... not to add a hint of scarcasm, but these are my good times. Well, I'm off to bed now.

I'm out

What yellow brick road(?)

I was thinking I would see her today. Sittin down on the front porch with a cloudy haze of smoke playin in my face... It all began to to turn white. The edges were smeared with white and the circle closed in. For a moment I spoke to her. She was there alone. Still standing there with her pants down. Not a frown, but lost. Watching him walk away. The fence seemed to be getting closer as his long strides carried him into the distance. Soon his strides were met with a pace that latched onto the fence and then over. I never saw him again. I never knew him before. Pants still down and afraid to leave from behind the brick wall. Nothin yellow about that one. It was dark, although daylight was peeking around the corner. Other kids were riding bikes, playing carroms and laughing as children do. It was my first deliverance into the darkness with so much sunshine just around the corner. I had to pull my own pants up. I suppose it was something positive that my mother taught me. Maybe it was my father, I don't know. What I do know is that she's still there. Stuck behind the wall. Pants down. Tears escaping her little eyes. No one noticed. Not one adult. No one came to help her. Not one adult. I talked to her today. I told her it was okay to come from behind that wall. I was going to protect her. I was going to console her. I was going to hug her and let her know that she didn't have to be there anymore. Sometimes she motions towards me. Other times I sit and stare and she does the same. Three and a-half years old. Not much life in this little body. At least not enough to defend herself. I watched her walk out from that space. Pants up. Fearful of the teasing from the other children. I watched her walk out, but noticed she had left so much behind. She still remains behind that wall. Pants down. Tears escaping her little eyes. She didn't know that she had left herself. Only Three and a-half. Only moving from where he left her. By herself. Helpless. Alone.

Hello

Hello world... one plug in my ear and an Iphone screaming lyrics from the counter. Absolute chaos at 3-plus a.m. in the mornin. I was hesitant at creating this space. A space that she'll ask about when she interviews me. Ha,ha... gotta smile and laugh and make life a lil easy right now. Soon enough it'll be phivuh.71 and time to rest my head. So I solute the world and those who are sleepin on our continent. To the others "Have a good f*ckin day" (and I do mean this sincerely).

Peace